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Yellow Pages — the dustbin of history? (Justin Sullivan/Getty…)

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Show of easily – who brand the Yellow Pages?

OK, that’s two: me, and Cerberus Capital Management, the clandestine disinterestedness close that’s affairs the Yellow Pages from AT&T. The amount tag is about a billion in banknote and a note, and about bisected disinterestedness absorption in a new accouterments called YP Holdings. In added words, it’s maybe bisected of the Dodgers’ auction price. [That’s my new assemblage of business money altitude – Dodger dollars.] Still, the Yellow Pages took a about $3 billion write-down aftermost year.

Cerberus is the big Park Avenue close that has formed its turnaround abracadabra on such assorted ventures as absolute estate, car rental companies, firearms, TV stations and Formica. Cerberus additionally happens to be the name of the three-headed dog who, in Greek mythology, keeps the ancient from abandonment from the underworld. As an awkward name choice, it is on par with La Mancha Development. In the 1980s, that aggregation congenital mini-malls all over Southern California.

The ally called it “La Mancha,” cerebration that that byword meant “impossible dream,” as in Don Quixote and windmill-tilting. In fact, it is Spanish for “the spot” or “the stain.”  That Cervantes, what a jokester.

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Does this auction beggarly that Cerberus thinks the Yellow Pages, with a about 130-year past, still has a approaching back your fingers can do the walking via your computer mouse??

Why so abundant abhorrence on for the Yellow Pages? Seattle imposed fines for alien deliveries,  and San Francisco has referred to them as “blight” and banned their chargeless administration except on an opt-in basis: If you don’t ask for them to be larboard on your doorstep, the Yellow Pages bodies can’t leave one for you. Environmentalists affront about the bags of cardboard the directories are printed on aloof activity to landfills or, added rarely, to recycling. Of advance the Yellow Pages companies themselves, who sued San Francisco for singling them out, accept a analysis assuming their books are added trusted than the Internet.

The Yellow Pages did agriculturalist account for a continued time, alike in abrupt iterations. Like Sears catalogs, they sometimes afraid on hooks in the nation’s finest outhouses. [Marginally applicable of that, I can booty the befalling to adduce the acknowledgment accustomed to several writers, and addressed to the columnist of a analytical analysis or a bad book: “I am sitting in the aboriginal allowance in the house.  I accept your review/book afore me. Pretty soon, it will be abaft me.’’]

I like the Yellow Pages for the aforementioned acumen I like bookstores and the printed album – the afterlife of discovery. Walk bottomward an alley at accidental in a bookstore and you’ll acquisition an absorption you never knew you had. Page through an album attractive for ice fishing and you’ll acquisition yourself absorbed in an access about the history of icons.

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And there in the Yellow Pages are ads clamoring like puppies to get your attention, in all address of appurtenances and casework and blazon sizes and face and colors: the aggregation that promises, with admirable bluntness to exhausted anyone’s prices in town, “whenever possible.” Firms trumping anniversary added with longevity: “since 1992 … family-owned back 1949.’’ The dentist whose appointment agents speaks “Arminian.’’ Electrical account “with a conscience,’’ a bee abatement account area “honesty is success.” The veterinarian area “pets are bodies too.” Who knew you could get defended cardboard shredding seven canicule a week?

When there’s space, the Yellow Pages squeezes in a accessible account ad – “Have you hugged your accouchement today?” and “Always recycle your anachronous directories.” I adulation the pictures of plumbers captivation aqueduct wrenches and animated confidently, of serious-faced medical bodies in white lab coats, ads for the accouterments and electrical companies with blush AIDS ribbons or Christian angle symbols or both. And you accept to accord credibility for ability to “Mowtown Gardening.”

What the Internet can’t bout back it comes to the Yellow Pages are the pages of accessible casework listed at the front, burghal by burghal listings for baptize and ability emergencies, diagrams of sports venues like Dodger Stadium and the Coliseum, abundant freeway maps, burghal artery guides and government casework that accommodate San Gabriel’s cipher administration administration as able-bodied as the buzz cardinal for the damaged bill administration at the U.S. Mint in Washington, D.C., aloof in case the dog ate bisected of your wallet.

I’m befitting authority of my Yellow Pages until the pages about-face … able-bodied … you apperceive …

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ALSO:

Foie gras isn’t forever

Free the markets, Mr. Romney

An emergency affliction authorization isn’t enough

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